I update my Facebook status every now and then with blurbs from the carpool I drive with 4 middle school boys, and I have had a lot of requests to post these on my blog. I will do my best to remember to post them here so you can giggle right along with me. Or gag … giggle or gag … it honestly all depends on the day. The names are fictitious to protect the “innocent.” You might want to go to the bathroom first. I’m just sayin’.
Warning: You cannot get the full effect of this conversation unless you and 3 other people each take a line and speak it over each other — really really loud. And today was a “crack the windows day” because of the mysterious odors so it was extra loud on the highway.
Riley: Mrs. Skaehill, William said he is stealing my turn in the front seat tomorrow because it’s his birthday — is that TRUE?!?!*** (see below)
Brady: Riley, get in! — Ms. Ann, Gavin and I are arguing, can you settle the argument. Is “pi times radius squared” how you find the area of a circle?
Gavin: No, you said DIAMETER squared.
Brady: No I didn’t! I said RADIUS.
Gavin: Is it true that William gets money instead of having a birthday party?
Me: yup – his choice. He chose the money over a party.
William: See? I told you! Hey guys, did you know there was a president named Garfield? I bet he was a cool cat. HAHAHAHA… get it?
Brady: Yeah, I get it. (totally unamused)
Brady: Hey, here’s a funny one .. Barack O’llama!
(everyone rolls with laughter)
Gavin: You better not let Obama hear you say that! He’ll put you in JAIL!
William: Dude, have you learned ANYTHING in Social Studies? The president cannot put you in jail — go study the executive branch, the legislative branch, and the judicial branch!
Gavin: Well SORR-REE — I’m learning about SYRIA right now.
Riley: What the heck is Syria?
Brady: It’s where they make cereal. (said with very dry humor)
Gavin: Dude, what’s the coolest mouse there is?
Riley: MICKEY MOUSE!
William: I’m going to cheesecake factory for my birthday.
Gavin: Hey Brady! William is going to Cheesecake factory for his birthday dinner!!!!
Brady: Yeah, so….
Gavin: Man, I sure wish I could go to Cheesecake Factory. Cheesecake rocks.
Riley: Cheesecake is disgusting.
Brady: I bet Mickey Mouse loves cheesecake.
Riley: Impossible. Cheesecake is disgusting.
William: Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up….
Me: William!!! STOP. IT.
Brady: Mouse… cheese… get it, he’s a mouse and mice like cheese.
(William has his hand out the window and is pretending that it’s stuck — I can’t tell you how badly I wanted to roll the window up to MAKE his hand get stuck, but I refrain because I bet the germs in jail are out of control)
Gavin: Gosh, I sure love Cheesecake Factory.
(I blinked and somehow we are now onto “getting a life” and discussing who owns what — EDITED… my son filled me in that this is where the hotdog and mountain conversation took place. I must have been concentrating on the scary intersection by our neighborhood at this point.)
Brady: Ms. Ann is the only one in the car who owns anything substantial. She owns a HOUSE therefore she has a life.
Me: No I don’t – the BANK owns my house, I just make payments in hopes that one day I own it!
Gavin: My parents own our house. I’m pretty sure anyway. But they are trying to pay off the car.
William: Big Fart Nate
Brady: Big Head Nate
William: Big Farty Head Nate
Gavin: Riley, are you still reading Big Nate?
Riley: Can I come over today?
Garrett: It sure is nice out today.
THAT’S IT —- everybody out. Take your mouse, your cheese, your farts, and your presidents with you.
Eat your heart out Ellen, Drew Carey, and Jimmy Fallon. These boys write their own stuff. I just relay it to the masses due to their limited time allotments on technological devices.
***Front seat rules:
- Mondays: No one rides up front
- Tuesdays: Brady
- Wednesdays: Gavin
- Thursdays: Riley
- Fridays: William
- Yes, they are in alphabetical order on purpose so I can recall the schedule quickly when I pull up to the curb and you all rush the car like Godzilla is chasing you off the school property.
- There will be no swapping front seat days.
- If you choose to sit in the back on your specified day, your loss. No one may sit in the front seat in your place on your day.
- There is no earning an extra front seat day unless I am lugging home your GINORMOUS project from school and we have no choice but to stick someone in the front seat.
- On the rare occasions that #8 actually happens, I, Mrs. Skaehill, will choose the front seat recipient based on who smells the least or who is the quietest that particular day.
- Shoes stay ON.
- Please stop touching the windows.