I update my Facebook status every now and then with blurbs from the carpool I drive with 4 middle school boys, and I have had a lot of requests to post these on my blog.  I will do my best to remember to post them here so you can giggle right along with me.  Or gag … giggle or gag … it honestly all depends on the day.  The names are fictitious to protect the “innocent.”  You might want to go to the bathroom first.  I’m just sayin’.

Warning: You cannot get the full effect of this conversation unless you and 3 other people each take a line and speak it over each other — really really loud. And today was a “crack the windows day” because of the mysterious odors so it was extra loud on the highway.

Riley: Mrs. Skaehill, William said he is stealing my turn in the front seat tomorrow because it’s his birthday — is that TRUE?!?!*** (see below)
Brady: Riley, get in! — Ms. Ann, Gavin and I are arguing, can you settle the argument. Is “pi times radius squared” how you find the area of a circle?
Gavin: No, you said DIAMETER squared.
Brady: No I didn’t! I said RADIUS.
Gavin: Is it true that William gets money instead of having a birthday party?
Me: yup – his choice. He chose the money over a party.
William: See? I told you! Hey guys, did you know there was a president named Garfield? I bet he was a cool cat. HAHAHAHA… get it?
Brady: Yeah, I get it. (totally unamused)
Brady: Hey, here’s a funny one .. Barack O’llama!
(everyone rolls with laughter)
Gavin: You better not let Obama hear you say that! He’ll put you in JAIL!
William: Dude, have you learned ANYTHING in Social Studies? The president cannot put you in jail — go study the executive branch, the legislative branch, and the judicial branch!
Gavin: Well SORR-REE — I’m learning about SYRIA right now.
Riley: What the heck is Syria?
Brady: It’s where they make cereal. (said with very dry humor)
Gavin: Dude, what’s the coolest mouse there is?
William: I’m going to cheesecake factory for my birthday.
Gavin: Hey Brady! William is going to Cheesecake factory for his birthday dinner!!!!
Brady: Yeah, so….
Gavin: Man, I sure wish I could go to Cheesecake Factory. Cheesecake rocks.
Riley: Cheesecake is disgusting.
Brady: I bet Mickey Mouse loves cheesecake.
Riley: Impossible. Cheesecake is disgusting.
William: Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up….
Me: William!!! STOP. IT.
Brady: Mouse… cheese… get it, he’s a mouse and mice like cheese.
(William has his hand out the window and is pretending that it’s stuck — I can’t tell you how badly I wanted to roll the window up to MAKE his hand get stuck, but I refrain because I bet the germs in jail are out of control)
Gavin: Gosh, I sure love Cheesecake Factory.
(I blinked and somehow we are now onto “getting a life” and discussing who owns what —  EDITED… my son filled me in that this is where the hotdog and mountain conversation took place.  I must have been concentrating on the scary intersection by our neighborhood at this point.)
Brady: Ms. Ann is the only one in the car who owns anything substantial. She owns a HOUSE therefore she has a life.
Me: No I don’t – the BANK owns my house, I just make payments in hopes that one day I own it!
Gavin: My parents own our house. I’m pretty sure anyway. But they are trying to pay off the car.
William: Big Fart Nate
Brady: Big Head Nate
William: Big Farty Head Nate
Gavin: Riley, are you still reading Big Nate?
Riley: Can I come over today?
Garrett: It sure is nice out today.

THAT’S IT —- everybody out. Take your mouse, your cheese, your farts, and your presidents with you.

Eat your heart out Ellen, Drew Carey, and Jimmy Fallon.  These boys write their own stuff.  I just relay it to the masses due to their limited time allotments on technological devices.

***Front seat rules:

  1. Mondays: No one rides up front
  2. Tuesdays: Brady
  3. Wednesdays: Gavin
  4. Thursdays: Riley
  5. Fridays: William
  6. Yes, they are in alphabetical order on purpose so I can recall the schedule quickly when I pull up to the curb and you all rush the car like Godzilla is chasing you off the school property.
  7. There will be no swapping front seat days.
  8. If you choose to sit in the back on your specified day, your loss.  No one may sit in the front seat in your place on your day.
  9. There is no earning an extra front seat day unless I am lugging home your GINORMOUS project from school and we have no choice but to stick someone in the front seat.
  10. On the rare occasions that #8 actually happens, I, Mrs. Skaehill, will choose the front seat recipient based on who smells the least or who is the quietest that particular day.
  11. Shoes stay ON.
  12. Please stop touching the windows.

3 thoughts on “middle school carpool #1

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