I live with chronic pain. While my husband doesn’t physically have chronic pain, he too has to live with it. He lives with mine. Neither of us got manuals on how to live with this incredibly unfortunate disease, and sometimes that shows. We think we are in a good rhythm and then our roller coaster cars drop from the highest peak and take us screaming through tight turns and unexpected plunges.
We just want off the roller coaster. Amen?
From my perspective, here’s where my ticket to ride stems from:
- I think I can handle more, so I take on more. And then … I can’t handle it. I panic. Then I get sad. Usually my over-commitment comes in the form of wanting to bring in more money so my husband doesn’t pass out from exhaustion.
- I feel like I have already given up so much of what used to make up my “normal” life, that I cling to the last few things I do/have until my knuckles turn white.
- My joy can be depleted on day 3 of immense pain – and then I am a grumpasaurus rex to my family, complete with drooling and teeth baring.
And here’s where my husband’s ticket to ride comes into play:
- He wants to be helpful but he. is. exhausted. He is working full-time (and then some for extra money), he cooks, he makes lunches, he does laundry, he cleans, he mows, he does repairs on the house, and sometimes he actually gets to go out with a friend for guy time.
- He never knows what kind of day I’m having, therefore he never knows what he will be walking in the door to find after work, which is totally not fair and makes him put on a defensive suit somewhere between his truck and the door to the house.
- He sees my tennis match of emotions (back and forth, back and forth) and he so badly wants me to just figure out that I’m different now and I have to act in accordance with my limitations.
Hold the phone.
I have limitations?
For the love of all things chronic – if you’re reading this and you suffer from chronic pain, YOU HAVE LIMITATIONS! And guess what, if you’re reading this and you don’t suffer from chronic pain, YOU HAVE LIMITATIONS!
Why do I sometimes think I can do it all? And I mean all. It is usually about the time I am half-way through my grocery list in the store when the fatigue slams me, my feet start to spasm, and I have this overwhelming feeling to lay down on the packages of toilet paper on the shelf when I realize — “oh crap, I did it again.”
I want off this ride.
I didn’t ask to ride.
I want this ticket revoked!
Tough circus peanuts. These are the cards I have been dealt. I, Ann Skaehill, have fibromyalgia and a weak immune system. I think it’s fair to say, this roller coaster is here to stay and it’s time for me to grow up and accept it. I need to appreciate and care for my family FIRST before I fill my schedule with things that make me feel good about myself. I need to be grateful for medications that can help with a few issues and TAKE THEM. (Lord have mercy, medication is a whole blog post in itself!)
I’m getting there, but I’m not there yet. I think if I can embrace this new reality more firmly, then the turns and drops on the roller coaster won’t be so alarming or drastic. For me, or my husband.
Two days ago my 10-year-old son said, “Hey mom? You know how sometimes you just get so mad at me for things I do or should have done? … Well, maybe you can start giving me a sign that I should go in another room. Why don’t you blink four times and I’ll take off running!”
Reality check. When I open my mouth to speak, my son is flinching and expecting the worst. That is a huge problem that I have addressed over the past 2 days with him. Grumpasaurus rex may still appear from time to time, but I’m working towards her extinction. Ain’t nobody got time for the damage a dinosaur makes in the modern age.
Today is a new day, and the Bible tells us in Psalm 30:5 that joy comes in the morning. Embrace your clean slate, and make wise choices today. First on my list? Washing all the sheets in the house and ensuring my family has good food to eat. What should be first on your list today?